


The Ghost of You

by Evangel10n



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Based on a song, Bittersweet Ending, Catharsis, Closure, DONT HATE ME FOR THIS!, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghost Ben Solo, Ghost Kiss, Ghosts, Grab a tissue this is gonna be a bumpy ride, Grief/Mourning, Haunting, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm Sorry, One Shot, POV Rey (Star Wars), Rey Doesn't Know How To Deal With Death, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Sad Reylo, Sad with a Happy Ending, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, You Haunt Me, force ghost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:34:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evangel10n/pseuds/Evangel10n
Summary: Rey doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, and can barely leave her bed. She has isolated herself on Ahch-Too after the painful death of Ben Solo. He haunts her dreams, her thoughts, and her every waking moment. She talks to him as if he was there, she writes letters to him in hopes it will offer her solace. To her surprise, he answers back.This is a prompted fic for #Reyloween2020 Ghosts.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 18
Kudos: 25
Collections: Reyloween 2020





	The Ghost of You

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_Letter No. 1: 35 ABY, Unknown Regions, Ahch-To_

_Dear Ben,_

_It has been one week since you died… seven days, 168 long hours. It’s hard to even admit that to myself. I can’t feel you anymore. Everywhere I turn there is no trace of you left. No bond, no Leia, no Luke, No Han. I feel so empty. I do not even know why I am writing this letter. It is not like it will bring you back, but I suppose it is a small comfort I have. I have spent every night stuck in this loop. Just stuck in this stasis of loss. And now that we defeated the First Order, what am I supposed to do? I have no purpose, no fight, nothing to drive me anymore. I am just sitting here in my hut on Ahch-To. I had to leave Rose, Poe, and Finn. They all just kept looking at me with so much pity in their eyes and kept asking me if I needed to talk about it. No, I don’t want to talk. No, I don’t need them to comfort me. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m fine._

_How can I be so angry and sad at the same time? I’m angry that you were so selfish to sacrifice yourself for me. I’m angry because you’re dead and not me. I’m angry you left me here all alone. I’m angry that I will never get to hear your voice again. I’m angry, Ben. So angry and I don’t know what to do with myself._

_The nights are the hardest. I don’t sleep; time only filled with thoughts of what could have been… what should have been. And it shows in the scorch marks on the walls from my lightsaber. It shows in my constant red eyes. It shows in my appearance, tired, bones poking out under my skin, and lack of self-care. Why does it matter? It doesn’t. It’s funny, back on Jakku I was ready to give up… but then Finn found me and we found the Resistance, but after all of that, I found you. You gave me a purpose and in the beginning, it was a good fight and by the end, it was something more than that. But now my purpose is gone. Everything is futile now. I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you. I wish you could take all this pain away. You haunt my every thought and haunt my long sleepless nights. I wish I could forget about you._

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Rey shut the leather-bound notebook with a tightness in her chest and a lump in her throat. She thought that she could not take it anymore. It was hard enough to think about him, let alone relive it all as she wrote the words down. Rey drew in a sniffle through her nose as she let out a defeated sigh as she placed her pen and book on the stoney floor of her modest hut. Her chest felt so hollow, her throat on the verge of suffocation, and her eyes wet. Rey sat on the carved bench that served as a bed with a scratchy woolly blanket wrapped loosely around her. Her hair sat loose past her shoulders in knots. She had not left the single-roomed cabin in five days, which may be to her detriment. The Lani caretakers had started placing food at her door when they realized that she never came out of the room, but Rey did not eat it. Food had no taste and felt like sand in her mouth. The only thing she could stomach was water and even then it was a feat to force herself to drink it. Her lips were dry and cracked with a lack of hydration and her clothes fit looser. 

Her days were filled with staring at blank stone walls, slumped up against them with silent tears falling down her face. Her nights were filled with tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep. And once she was able to finally escape from consciousness, her subconscious was filled with dreams of her last moments with Ben Solo. Each dream played him held in her arms with the saddest smile. She had to watch him die in her arms every night and think about it all day. It was a vicious cycle that tore apart her insides, never able to scab over. Rey sat there staring into the dying fire. It’s small flames flickered and danced on what was left of a log. 

“You’re not dead, Ben Solo. You’re not dead. You can’t be. I need you. Please come back to me…” Rey said to no one but the stagnant air in the room. She swallowed against the tight lump in her throat. Her tears ached to fall and were building upon her waterline. 

“Do you think if I die we would be together? All the things I never got to tell you. All the things we will never get to experience. Just ripped away in an instant. Fuck you! How could you do this to me?” Rey screamed. She was angry about him dying. It was not fair of him to assume she could go on living a life where he did not exist in it. At this moment she wished she had stayed dead. It was more appealing than living with her heart torn into pieces. Peace was all she wanted. She wanted to be free from the pain, the loss, the anger that wove itself seamlessly in with sadness. It all left a bad taste in her mouth and her gut wrenching. 

“I hate feeling like this. I hate the pain. I hate the guilt. I hate crying. I hate that I can never go a second without thinking about how it looked when the light slipped out of your eyes. I hate it. I hate it. I need it to stop, can’t you see that you haunt me? You haunt me and it is ripping me apart.” Rey whispered as if Ben Solo sat there now with her. It comforted her, even in the slightest, to think that somewhere out there he could hear her. 

“And that kiss. That kiss was the happiest moment in my life. It was like the world exploded in my chest. Everything in my sad, pointless life had led up to that moment and it was like I could feel every decision that led me to you in that kiss. But then…” Rey let out a loud, painful sob. It was not silent and graceful. It sounded like a wounded animal crying out, begging for the pain to stop and it filled the hut completely. Her chest heaved and caved with ragged breaths. Her nose dripped, leaking mucus down her lips. She thrashed her knuckles into the stone bench over and over again. The stone ground into her knuckles, scraping away at the skin. Her hand panged at her to stop, but she could not. It was as if the physical pain was the only thing to distract her from the emotional pain. It felt good as her hand rapped harder and harder into the bench and blood surfaced from the abrasions that already littered her hand. This was a recurring resort over the few days spent on Ahch-To for her. Rey’s hand faltered as it fell limply onto her hard bed. 

She sniffled and let out weak sobs as she sat there examining the scabs over her knuckles that she had just reopened. Her knuckles were numb, no doubt bruised with the severity she hit them with. She did not know what to do with herself anymore. Rey had done all the crying she knew how to and had beat her hands into a pulp. But none of it seemed to dull the sickening agony that gaped within her. She would rather relive Jakku a thousand times over than lay in the wake of Ben Solo’s death for another second. _Pathetic...you really are pathetic_ , Rey thought to herself as she curled up into a tight ball on her bench. She was just so tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. Rey doubted she would be able to last much longer like this. There is only so much she could take. Her eyes watched the fire bob faintly on embers, threatening to go out at a moment’s notice. 

Rey tried to imagine his hand on her back as she closed her eyes. She tried to force herself to feel it rubbing up and down her back in an effort to soothe her. For half a second, she really could feel the weight of his large hand that was idly resting on her. She squeezed her eyes harder as if to stop her tears from welling up again. But the weight did not disappear. Rey was too scared to open her eyes to see if Ben Solo was really there. She could not handle the disappointment of finding herself alone. Even if it were in her head, she let it calm her tired mind. The hand began running up and down her curved back ladened with a softness to it as she laid in a snug ball. She let out a mewl of relief at it. Rey wanted to open her eyes, but she willed herself deeper into the fantasy that Ben Solo really was there with her. She did not want to lose it, she would rather die than to give up the closest she felt to him in days. Rey took it in earnest as she felt herself slowly drift off into a dreamless sleep.

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_Letter No. 2: 35 ABY, Unknown Regions, Ahch-To_

_Dear Ben,_

_Everything, EVERYTHING reminds me of you. It doesn’t help that you haunt my dreams too. I can’t escape you or the trail of thoughts that lead from you, something warm and happy, to that one word…ALONE. I Just want to talk to you so badly it hurts. Just anything to know that you are okay wherever you are. Or simply to just see your face. This is killing me. This whole situation. Writing letters to you, not being able to feel you anymore, not having you here when I had a bad day ( which seems to be every day lately), everything is fucking awful. I hate it. I secretly want to join you, but I don’t have enough balls to do it. I just want you to hold me, kiss me, tell me all the things you would have. And I know what you might say to me running away from my friends… that I am not escaping from your death, simply hiding from it. Even here on this planet, I am reminded of you at every corner. It’s not fair. I almost want to forget about you so I can feel okay again, but that is not an easy thing to say in reference to you._

_I miss your presence. I miss your voice. I miss catching you looking at me. I miss talking to you. I miss your scent. I miss the heat of your skin… the things that make you real… things that make you, you. Every time I looked into your eyes they gave away more than your words ever could. Something so-- riddled with a non-verbal force that hit me. You were such a bright light in my life, and it kills me to figure it out after you died. You drew me in like a moth to the flame. When I first met you, I saw it and was mesmerized by you. It is not fucking fair! Why did you make me fall in love with you and just leave me like that? Even as I write to you in this stupid, pointless letter I cannot help but relive everything. It is funny what death does to you. I went from hating you with a passion for who you were and now I hate you for leaving me._

_Then there was last night. I tried to imagine you were there. It felt so real. It felt like your hand was on my back as I cried myself to sleep. I deluded myself into thinking that you came to comfort me. How sad is that, Ben? Writing down your name is hard when you are a million miles away. Fuck, I never got closure… your body just disappeared, there is no trace of you to be found. I never got a funeral, no burial, no final goodbye, just your clothes left in my arms. I still have them, you know. I have not been able to bring myself to get them out of my trunk since the first night. They still smell like you and it kills me every time. I slept huddled up around them once, trying to bring back something of you into the living world._

_I can’t write anymore, it is too painful. Goodnight, Ben._

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Rey shut the notebook and placed it next to her with a heavy sigh. She did not know what really drove her to write to him, it was not like she would ever get to send the letters or actually say any of these words to him. That is what death does, it finalizes things. All the things their lives could have been together. All the things she never got to say. All the things she would never get to experience with him, all finalized. Maybe that is what hurt the most for Rey. A life of possibilities ripped away in one selfless act. There was too much left unsaid. It made her feel guilty to be alive and well, generally speaking. Why did she deserve to live? What had made her so special? She had done nothing in her whole life worthy of sacrifice. 

“Rey…” A bodiless voice called out. Her heart jumped at it. It sounded so familiar, yet so far away. She snapped her head up, looking around her empty room. She was going crazy, there was no possible way that Ben Solo had said her name. 

“B-Ben?” Rey sniffled out the words, but there was no answer. His words hung heavily in the night air.

“It’s not fair,” she cried out to the voice she was not entirely certain was real, “To hear your voice. I am going crazy. When will I be released from you? When will it stop, Ben?” She sobbed through the words as she shook her head limply. It made her head spin as she sat in the deafening silence. None of this made any sense to her and that angered her. The closest thing she had to cathartic release was thrashing her fist into stone or swinging her lightsaber at the walls. At least then, her mind was taken off of Ben Solo’s death. Rey looked up and swiveled her head around, looking at the deep grooves her sword had left there in a fit of rage. They were jagged cuts that were surrounded by scorch marks, the perfect embodiment of how unequipped she was in dealing with death. 

It was late into the night at this point. Rey had not been able to sleep until she was completely exhausted. Insomnia kept her up well into the night, forcing her mind to stay in the same perpetual loop of thought. And she was exhausted. She was tired of trying to make sense of it all, things that only he could answer or explain, and he was gone. She was tired of the guilt that crushed her. She was tired of the sadness that hung heavily over her. Rey drew in a hard breath as she rested her head on the cold surface of the wall she sat up against, closing her eyes to another dying fire. She tried to keep her mind blank, steering far from the thought of Ben, as she tried in earnest to sleep. Her chest was sore from crying, her eyes were puffy and red, and it felt like a hole had been punched through where her heart was supposed to be. She was slipping further into sleep, feeling herself fall away from reality. It felt good to take a break even if it was for a couple of hours. 

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Rey found herself in a strange place she had never seen before. It was warm and bright. She looked around and it went on for as far as she could see. It was barren save for the light that seemed to embody her. There was no time, no space. It was just a place of being. It was alive and was breathing with the Force. No evil, no sadness, no fear, no death existed in this place. It was a pure state of being. It perplexed her, why was she here? Was this a dream or was this real? If it was a dream what was it meant to show her? Rey turned around, a robed translucent figure stood with his back to her. He was tall and had long loose black curls that hung at his neck. 

“Hello?” Rey spoke with a tentative voice to the mysterious and luminous man. The man turned with a small smile on his face. Rey’s face twisted in confusion and her mouth gaped at the sight of him. How could it be? 

“Hello, Rey.” Ben Solo spoke softly, his smile growing at the sight of her, but it turned into a frown when he took all of her in. Her hair was knotted, her bones poked where they shouldn’t have, her eyes had deep bags underneath them, and her clothes hung off her. Rey did not care how she looked, because she was standing in front of him. He looked just as when she had met him. No scar across his broad and handsome face, but his eyes no longer touched by pain. 

“How is this possible? You’re dead. This-- this isn’t real. You aren’t real. You aren’t real.” Rey asked Ben as she tried to grasp at the situation. 

“Yes, I am dead, Rey, but this is all very real. You called me here and the Force answered. This place is strange, is it not? I have walked for hours and there is no end. I don’t know how long I have been here. Time does not exist here, it just is.” Ben gestured a hand at the endless, glowing plane before he looked back at her. Rey brought bruised hands to her head and clutched tufts of ratty hair. Her head was spinning. She wanted to feel happy at the sight of him, she wanted to cry, but she could barely process what was happening, let alone release emotions from it. 

“Rey,” He called her. It panged at her heart to hear his voice saying her name, “What have you done to yourself?” He asked her as he approached her, studying her battered knuckles and gaunt features. Her head snapped up. His eyebrows were pushed together in concern as he stared down at her. 

“You died, that’s what happened. You fucking died! You left me here, you abandoned me. I could deal with my parents abandoning me, but you, you promised me. You promised me that you would never do that to me. No one asked you to sacrifice yourself to save me.” Rey spat out curtly at him. She supposed that you still could feel emotion here. 

“I’m sorry, Rey. I’m sorry you are hurting. I couldn’t just let you die when I could save you.”

“Hurting? You think I am hurting? No, it is more than that. I am angry. I am angry you left me here. I am angry that you sacrificed yourself to save me. I am angry that a piece of me died with you. I am angry that you decided to come to Exegol. I am angry and I don’t know what to do with myself.” Rey shouted at the semi-translucent face of Ben. He just stared at her with the corners of his lips turned down and his eyes glinting, matching the pain in her words. Ben opened his mouth as if to say something, but Rey was determined to speak her mind. 

“No, you don’t get to speak right now. Do you know what I have been doing for the past week? Huh? Do you? Well, I’ll tell you. I haven’t been able to eat because food tastes like sand. I can’t drink water because I can barely muster the strength. I can’t sleep without nightmares of watching you die night after night. I can’t think of anything else but you. You are in my head at every turn. It all feels like a bad dream that I can’t escape from. I’m numb, I’m angry, I’m sad and empty all at the same time. But, fuck, Ben. I miss you. I thought if I could just see you one last time and get closure then I could feel better, move on.” Rey’s angry determination that she started with had faltered as she spoke her last words. She reached out a hand towards him, but her hand fell right through his chest. Rey bit her lip as if to stop it quivering as she let her arm fall limply back to her side. 

“There were so many things left unsaid and I am sorry I never got to say them.” Ben’s voice was soft as he spoke and his face matched it.

“Well, the Force brought us together, so say them now. I need to hear it, please, Ben.” She looked up at him with waiting eyes. 

“I have gone over this a million times in my head, but now that you’re here, it makes it so much harder to say it to your face.” Ben Solo’s face turned sad now at the sight of her. Rey, of all people, he thought would be strong after his passing. But she wasn’t. She looked sickly and torn apart from the inside out. Rey looked away with her eyes swelling and her throat closing.

“Just say it, please…” She said in almost a whisper, turning back to him with red and wet eyes. 

“Just know, Rey, I will always be with you. In your heart and in the Force. In a way, I will always be alive within you. I’m so sorry that you are hurting, but I couldn’t let you die. I never did one good thing in my life and if there was one last thing that I could do right, it was saving you. You are so much more special than you think. The hardest part of this is leaving you. And Rey?” Ben Solo was determined when he spoke, unknowing of how much time they would have with each other. And there was one thing he must say to her before she left. 

“I love you, Rey. Forever and Always, I will love you.” Rey could not hold her tears back any longer. Her heart was so conflicted. Was it possible to be so happy, yet so sad? Her heart felt as if it swelled and was being crushed at the same time. She did not know that she needed to hear those words so desperately. 

“I,” She sobbed, “I love you too, Ben Solo.” The words choked her in between cries. Ben’s translucent body seemed to be weaving in and out of solid form. There was not much time left now. Ben reached out a hand, tilting her chin upward. Rey’s face melted into his almost frozen touch, she mewled with relief at the tender touch. She opened her eyes to see his soft brown eyes looking back at her. Rey stood on the tips of her toes, closing the distance. Ben Solo took her face in his large hands with a careful grip. They stared for a moment longer, taking in their fleeting time with each other. Ben lowered his face to hers, slightly pursing his soft lips. His lips felt cold, like a chilly morning, but Rey could not protest it. She needed him, she needed this kiss. It was a hard kiss, desperate. Tears slipped out of their shut eyes as they moved their lips with each other. Rey took up her arms, throwing them around his neck. She cried and choked in between the breaks between kisses. Ben held her tighter as he broke away from her lips, he could feel himself slipping away and Rey could sense it. Rey rested her head on his semi-solid chest and pushed harder into his hold.

“Please don’t,” Rey begged him to stay. 

“I can’t, I’m sorry, Rey..” His voice was laced with pain. This was the hardest thing he ever had to do in life or in death. Leaving her once was difficult enough, but this was the second time now and he sensed it would be the last. But each cherished this small moment, taking the bitter with the sweet. It cut at them, but it filled them up. 

“Forever and always?” Rey asked in a whisper with a quaking chin, feeling his body grow less substantial as they held each other.

“Forever and always,” Ben confirmed, placing a peck on the top of her head. Rey looked up at him as tears fell from her eyes. The weight of his arms disappeared from her skin, but he still held her. His form slowly started to dissipate before her eyes and the glow of the endless plane started to darken. She tried to hold on for as long as possible as she too felt herself slip away. The edges of her room started to morph in with the glow of the plane. Her room was all around her now with a brush of morning light filtering through a small, carved window. Rey stumbled backward onto the hard bench in shock. Her tears still streamed down her gaunt face. Rey’s chest felt lighter, but her heart ached. She did not want to say goodbye to him. She wanted him back here with her, holding her again. 

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_Letter No. 3: 36 ABY, Inner Rim, Jakku_

_Dear Ben,_

_Today is the one year anniversary of your death. I still miss you every day, but the pain is dulled now. I haven’t written to you since we said goodbye. I suppose it was what I needed to begin to heal, to cope with your passing. It was hard to get to where I am now. There are still nights where I can’t sleep because I am thinking of you, but those are not as often. I will find myself thinking about the way our lives could have gone. Would we have gotten married? Would we have had kids? I think you would have been an amazing father and we would have been happy. Even though the thought of having children terrifies me, being a mother really, but I would have done it a dozen times over with you. A smile touches my face and my heart at the thought, even if it does sting a little that it will never happen. I think you would be proud of me. I have spent the last year finishing my Jedi training. In a few weeks, I will be Jedi Master Rey._

_You would probably be asking me why in the hell am I on, Jakku? Rose, Finn, and even Poe wanted to see where I grew up. I took them to my AT-AT, which has been stripped down to nothing but the frame, all my things gone, but it doesn’t bother me like I thought it would. They were all amazed that I made a home here in the boiling desert. I even took them to see the ruins from the Battle of Jakku. You should have seen their eyes light up at the old Empire ships. I think you would have liked them. Finn is witty and courageous, Rose is the most loyal friend I could ask for, and Poe, well Poe is the perfect mixture of arrogant and charming. He makes us all laugh. Okay, maybe it would take you a long time to see in them what I see, but I could see us all being great together. Which has been good for me. They all have been good for me, to me. I see now running away from them when you had passed away was not a good idea. I could have really used them, but I was not in my right mind then. I can say now that I feel more like myself._

_Rest well, Ben._

_With love,_

_Rey_

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**Author Notes:**

I am not crying, you're crying! Honestly, writing this was super hard to get through. No joke, I was bawling my eyes out at some parts. Especially the letters and their goodbye. I am such a sucker for the bitter sweet things, they get me everytime. I don't know why I thought this would be a fun prompt. I just saw "Ghost" on the Reyloween prompt list and had no idea where it was gonna take me. Don't hate me. I tried my best for a happy ending given the context. 

Let me know what you guys thought about it down below!

-E


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